This is post 6 of 6 today, and will close this afternoon’s virtual MonSFFA meeting. If you’re just now joining us, scroll back to today’s Post 1 of 6 to enjoy the whole meeting, start to finish.

11) ANOTHER CORONAVIRUS PARODY SONG

Here’s another Monster Mash parody, produced by a teacher in Arkansas and posted on her Cheesystuff YouTube Channel:

12)

 

Any so-called “Monster Kid” growing up in the 1960s harboured two utmost desires: the latest issue of Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine (co-founded by pioneering sci-fi fan Forrest J Ackerman), and the latest release in Aurora’s line of classic monster model kits!

The Long Island, NY-based Aurora Plastics Corporation was founded in 1950 as a contract manufacturer of injection-molded plastics. Before too long, the company began producing and marketing its own line of “all plastic assembly kits” for young hobbyists, focusing chiefly on aircraft and automobiles.

Aurora’s first figure kits, a set of medieval knights in armour, were introduced in the mid-’50s, quickly followed by the “Guys and Gals of All Nations” series, featuring statuettes dressed in the national costumes of Holland, China, Scotland, and other countries, this in an effort to appeal to female crafters. Throughout the late-’50s, ’60s, and ’70s, other historical subjects followed the knights, from Roman gladiators to modern U.S. soldiers, sailors, and airmen, along with a variety of kits spotlighting American wildlife, sports stars, comic book superheroes, sci-fi TV characters, and the prehistoric world.

But it was a licensing agreement with Universal Studios that allowed Aurora to launch what would become its most popular and successful series of all, the Movie Monster Models collection!

Universal’s classic horror films were enjoying a revival in the late-’50s-early-’60s and were all the rage with youngsters, who watched them on television, where they aired frequently, or flocked to movie houses to see them. Aurora marketing director Bill Silverstein had taken note of the appeal these old pictures had with adolescents and teens, and pitched the idea of a series of kits showcasing Universal’s stable of venerable movie monsters. He was met with ridicule and disinterest but persisted and eventually convinced skeptical upper management to gauge interest by bringing to market one model.

That model was Frankenstein, released in 1961. Silverstein was soon vindicated! Frankenstein was an instant hit and calls started coming in to Aurora’s sales offices requesting other kits in the line. Dracula and The Wolf Man were rushed into production and were on store shelves in time for Christmas 1962. The Creature (from the Black Lagoon), The Mummy, The Phantom of the Opera, Dr. Jekyll as Mr. Hyde, non-Universal behemoths King Kong and Godzilla, and others followed. There were 13 monster kits produced in all—tagged by aficionados “The Aurora 13”—plus two customizing kits and a Gigantic Frankenstein, the finished model standing some two-feet tall.  A pair of affiliated models, the Munsters ’65 and the Addams Family Haunted House, are often considered part of the series.

Advertised in Famous Monsters of Filmland and DC Comics publications, Aurora’s monster kits skyrocketed in popularity. In 1964, a U.S.-wide Monster Customizing Contest was sponsored in cooperation with Universal Pictures and Famous Monsters, contributing to a growing “Monster Mania.” Young model-makers were tasked with creating a macabre diorama using any combination of Aurora monster kits and customizing materials. Two customizing kits were issued, providing modellers with an assortment of skulls, spiders, rats, and such with which to enhance their miniature tableaus. Each entrant received a “Master Monster Maker” certificate. Hundreds of prizes were handed out with the national winner awarded a paid trip to Hollywood and the opportunity to appear in a horror movie!

Sculptor Bill Lemon was responsible for designing and producing the patterns for most of the monster models, with Ray Meyers and Adam “Larry” Ehling taking over when Lemon left to pursue other commissions. The Forgotten Prisoner of Castel-Mare was the last kit in the line, becoming available in 1967-’68 and sporting box art by renowned pulp illustrator Mort Künstler.

It was the box art produced by James Bama, however, that indelibly marked Aurora’s Movie Monster Models. At the time, Bama was working as a commercial artist for a major New York advertising firm. He was known as a prolific paperback and magazine cover artist, as well as for dramatic interior illustrations featured in men’s adventure magazines. Genre fans would soon come to know him for his extraordinarily striking monochromatic Doc Savage covers for Bantam Books’ paperback reprints of the original novels.

The accomplished illustrator applied his signature realism to what was fantastical subject matter in rendering melodramatically lit, vividly colourful box art for the monster kits. Save for Künstler’s single contribution, Bama produced all of the original box art for the series, as well as a few pieces for spin-offs like the Monstermobiles line, which put our favourite monsters in crazily-exaggerated hot-rods, a concept that did not fly with either monster or hot-rod enthusiasts.

Beginning in 1969, the original monster models were modified to include luminescent parts and reissued through the early-’70s with reworked packaging that included some new art by artist Harry Schaare, who essentially copied Bama’s originals while highlighting with bright acrylics the glow-in-the-dark components of the model. In some instances, Bama’s original gouache paintings were actually painted over with acrylics—no one present back in the day seems to know who might have been responsible for that sin, or perhaps nobody wants to say!

In 1971, Aurora launched its controversial Monster Scenes line, featuring four character kits: Frankenstein, sexy comic book pin-up Vampirella, the sadistic Doctor Deadly, and a scantily-clad young woman dubbed simply “The Victim.” At about 1/13 scale, these simple, snap-together, toy-like figures were smaller and lacked the detail of their movie monster cousins. The concept, here, was to enable children to easily assemble and then play with the models. Each figure came with extra sets of movable arms and legs so that they could be assembled in different poses

In addition to the character kits, four “grisly equipment” kits with names like Gruesome Goodies and The Pain Parlour were available, together serving as a torture-chamber playset into which the figures could be placed. Aurora played up the lurid horror, violence, and sex, promoting its new line with the slogan “Rated ‘X’ for excitement!”

It wasn’t long before concerned parents were petitioning Nabisco, owners of Aurora at the time, outraged at these “sick toys” that make for a “sick society!” Women’s groups, too, admonished the company for promoting misogynistic cruelty, noting that the helpless “Victim” didn’t even rate her own name!

The antibody travels through the blood of the patient, identified the tumor location by itself, and makes the radioactive component attack the cancer cells. 5.)Immunotherapy TreatmentAlternative Treatments to Chemotherapy People http://cute-n-tiny.com/page/34/ free sildenafil samples commonly refer immunotherapy treatment as biologic therapy. The high deposit of uric acid in the stomach/indigestion) Belching/gassiness Heartburn Aches and pains (painful neck) Burning and/or itching in the eyes Difficulty swallowing Increase in your libido (erections) Feeling more tired and/or sleepier than normal (possibly insomnia) Changes in your voice Congestion problems Precautions: Any of the following apply to you, be sure to inform your doctor buy levitra viagra before taking Tadagra. This mounts the erection in men & fall short to please their sexual life. http://cute-n-tiny.com/cute-animals/top-10-cutest-baby-penguins/ levitra cost low 60mg dosage direction Buying viagra 60mg for sale online aids deal with erectile condition in man? Well, this is not to treat the impotency in men, Silagra online will help you to overcome it. In fact, using viagra ordination or viagra will deliver the same effects as a penis pump and let you enjoy life easily. Nervous Nabisco quickly ordered a halt to the tooling on two new kits, a dungeon and an animal pit into which The Victim could be lowered, and announced that the Monster Scenes line was to be discontinued. Preliminary development on models of a second victim, an executioner, and more torture devices ceased. All remaining inventory, including three as yet unreleased kits—Dracula, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and The Giant Insect—were shipped to Canada, where The Victim was recast as Dr. Deadly’s Daughter.

The following year, Aurora recovered from this costly debacle, premiering its well-received Prehistoric Scenes line, which incorporated the same models-as-toys idea that had underpinned the short-lived Monster Scenes series.

Aurora’s swansong monster series was the 1/12-scale Monsters of the Movies line. But by now the monster craze had passed and the last kit in this series was shipped in 1977. The company shut down its molding machines that same year.

In a span of just 27 years, Aurora had progressed from humble beginnings to become one of the foremost and most innovative producers of scale-model kits in the industry, only to fall victim to a number of questionable marketing moves and product choices, as well as generally waning public interest in the hobby.

Bill Silverstein remained focused on the business of marketing toys. His stint at Aurora led him to join comic actors Don “Maxwell Smart” Adams and Bill “José Jiménez” Dana in forming a small advertising agency, securing Aurora as a client, of course! In the early-’70s, he became a partner at Helfgott & Partners (later Helfgott, Towne & Silverstein), a high-profile New York agency that represented the Ideal Toy Company.

After leaving Aurora, Bill Lemon went on to sculpt for major toy manufacturers like Remco and Marx and produced, over his decades-long career, everything from anatomical models for medical schools to Pez dispensers to a circa-1980s Michael Jackson doll.

James Bama left New York in 1968 and moved to Wyoming, where he established himself as a painter specializing in Western themes. In recognition of his Aurora box art, he was inducted into the Monster Kid Hall of Fame in 2006.

Rival model manufacturer Monogram (later merged with another rival, Revell) initially acquired many of Aurora’s molds from parent company Nabisco and reissued a number of the kits under its own banner beginning in the late-’70s. In the mid-’90s and more recently, modern scale-model manufacturers like Polar Lights and Moebius Models have retooled, updated, and rereleased many of Aurora’s most popular kits, occasioning a revival of Monster Mania for both aging Monster Kids and a new generation.

13) STILL ANOTHER CORONAVIRUS PARODY SONG

This Joe Jackson send-up by L.A.-based actor and filmmaker Frederick Lawrence gets a little political; we found it on his FLawed08 YouTube Channel:

14) CONDOLENCES

It is with sadness that we receive news of the passing of Lucio Zarlenga, long-time banquets manager at the Hôtel Espresso, for so many years the downtown locale of MonSFFA’s monthly meetings. Always professional, affable, and above-and-beyond helpful, Lucio gave both the club and the ConCept sci-fi convention founded by MonSFFA excellent service through the years, working diligently to accommodate our sometimes unusual needs. He enjoyed dropping in on us from time to time to check out whatever cool stuff we had going on at our meetings, or at the convention, and we will miss his cheerful visits. To his family and friends, we extend our sincere condolences. 

15) THANK YOU!

We hope you have enjoyed your time with us this afternoon, and we ask all of you to check in regularly here at www.MonSFFA.ca for additional content during this continuing period of partial lockdown/cautious reopening, and for any news as to when the club expects to return to face-to-face gatherings. Thank you for your interest and attention, and don’t forget to comment on today’s meeting!

We’d also like to thank Sylvain St-Pierre, Keith Braithwaite, Joe Aspler, and Josée Bellemare for putting this October 2020 DIY, Virtual MonSFFA Meeting together, with a nod, as well, to our supporting contributors today.

Keep on social distancing, wearing a mask, washing your hands often, and following all of the other vital public health guidelines that the authorities have issued. Better days are ahead, but it will take patience and perseverance to get there!

16) FINAL PARODY SONG

 We close with Eric Gutman’s (www.EricGutman.com) wonderful pandemic-inspired take on a well-known political classic; be advised that there’s a little bit of language, here (nothing too severe), so you might want to shoo the very young’uns out of the room:

This is post 1 of 6 related posts which together make up our October 17, 2020, DIY, Virtual MonSFFA Meeting.

Alert condition “Red!” Alert condition “Red!” The Greater Montreal region is now under alert condition “Red!”

When Quebec introduced its new colour-coded regional COVID-19 alert map early in September, most of the province’s regions were classified as relatively safe “Green Zones,” with but a handful of constituencies confirmed as Yellow Zones, this indicating that a slightly more elevated level of caution was warranted.

Today, only six or seven weeks later, all of southern Quebec, as well as the Gaspé peninsula, are designated either an Orange or Red Zone, the two most alarmingly high-danger alert levels, Red being the most dire! Quebec’s vast and sparsely populated northern territories are collectively Yellow at this time; there remain no regions anywhere in the province listed as Green.

1) 28 DAYS LATER

The government’s response to the sudden and explosive end-of-summer resurgence of the coronavirus has been to clamp down. As of October 1, Red Zone inhabitants found themselves in a partial lockdown set to last 28 days, at which time the situation is to be reassessed. Limits on social activities have been re-imposed, some of these more rigid than ever, and officials have admonished anti-maskers and other rule-flouters as dangerously irresponsible, warning of hefty fines and even police action for any transgressions! All Quebecers are strongly encouraged to help flatten the curve once again, say official spokespeople, by wearing masks, social distancing, abstaining from even modest gatherings like dinner parties or backyard barbecues, and isolating at home, venturing out only on essential business. Yom Kippur and Thanksgiving unfolded in Red-Zone Montreal under strict mitigation protocols, and Halloween as we know it is, in effect, cancelled, with traditional Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s celebrations at risk.

And yet, schools remain open and select commercial activities continue. Many frustrated citizens have decried the new rules as ill-conceived, imprecise, senseless, and unfair, while others see them as half-measures doomed to failure. So-called “COVID fatigue” is undoubtedly a factor in the population’s questioning of authorities. People are getting tired of these months upon months of wearisome safety restrictions and are anxious to return fully to their normal lives. Surveys conducted just prior to the Thanksgiving weekend revealed that one in four Quebecers intended to get together with family and friends for the holiday in contravention of government directives! Many folk seem to have simply given up the fight and are gambling that they’ll be able to weather any infection, forgetting that while they may well survive, others with whom they come in contact may not. The government explains that while inhibiting as little as possible societal and economic function, they are undertaking to severely limit non-essential gatherings of any kind, which are believed to be at the heart of this return of the COVID-19 virus. However, say some analysts, the data on this is not entirely clear.

Quebecers especially, neighbouring Ontarians, as well, and to be sure, all Canadians now find themselves well into the feared Second Wave of contagion. But this time the majority of cases have been attributed to people under 40 years of age, although the elderly remain more likely to suffer the most serious consequences of infection, including, potentially, death! Disturbingly, doctors are observing lingering and debilitating side-effects in some patients recovering from COVID-19. And, some scientists are suggesting that the virus may now have mutated into a far more communicable form.

Progress on a vaccine, meanwhile, has been particularly heartening, and we should have good news on that front by early next year. But we all know that even when a viable vaccine is developed, it will take some time to inoculate the entire population of Canada. We are going to be in this soup for a while, yet.

2) INTRODUCTION

As we again gather online for this month’s virtual club meeting, we know that we are now living through the Second Wave, and that it remains critically important to continue following best recommended safety practises in order to help minimize the spread of the virus. That means frequent and thorough hand-washing, use of a hand-sanitizer, staying at home as much as possible, social distancing and mask-wearing when we must venture out in public, the minimizing of contact with others, etc.—you all know the drill by now! It has been unquestionably difficult to confine ourselves to our homes and neighbourhoods, and severely limit our face-to-face social activities, but we all know that these sacrifices are absolutely necessary if we are to triumph over the COVID-19 virus.

As always, our advice to those of you deemed “essential workers,” and indeed, to everyone, is to please take all possible precautions in order to keep yourselves as protected from infection as can be. It is especially important not to let up on those safety protocols. We must not surrender to COVID fatigue, as depressing as recent news reports may be!

This is our seventh virtual MonSFFA meeting. Today’s get-together will unfold right here on the club’s Web site over the course of the afternoon, beginning with this first post, and followed by subsequent posts at 1:30PM, 2:30PM, 3:00PM, and 4:00PM, with a concluding post at 4:30PM. All content will also be available concurrently on MonSFFA’s Facebook page (www.facebook.com/MonSFFA), however, the interface best suited for taking in this meeting is this very Web site.

As we cannot yet safely assemble face-to-face in a meeting hall, this October virtual meeting has been prepared especially for you, MonSFFA’s membership. Sit back, check out each of the afternoon’s posts, scroll down leisurely through the proffered content, and enjoy! And do take a moment to comment on what we’ve put up. Let us know what you think about specific topics presented or the meeting overall. Your input helps us to tailor these virtual meetings for maximum interest and enjoyment.

3) MEETING AGENDA

In This Afternoon’s Virtual Meeting:

1:00PM, Post 1 of 6

1) 28 Days Later

2) Introduction

3) Meeting Agenda

4) A Coronavirus Parody Song for Halloween

5) 19 Basic Rules for Surviving Halloween!

6) A Second Parody Song!

1:30PM, Post 2 of 6

7) The Many Faces of the Moon

2:30PM, Post 3 of 6

8) Mid-Meeting Break (Display Table, Raffle, Zoom Get-Together)

3:00PM, Post 4 of 6

9) Mad Scientists (Gallery)

4:00PM, Post 5 of 6

10) Halloween Party

4:30PM, Post 6 of 6

11) Another Coronavirus Parody Song

12) Remembering “The Aurora 13” (Classic Monster Model Kits)!

13) Still Another Coronavirus Parody Song

14) Condolences

15) Thank-You!

16) Final Parody Song

4) A CORONAVIRUS PARODY SONG FOR HALLOWEN!

Many talented and witty songwriters/performers have been providing, throughout this COVID-19 crisis, gentle comic relief to us all, filking well-known rock and pop hits. Whenever given, we’ve credited by name these creators. Joe Aspler drew our attention to this afternoon’s opener, a coronavirus take on a Halloween classic! We found it on the Freedom Forum YouTube Channel; lyrics credited to Dale Officer:

As Halloween is but two weeks off, we’ve included in today’s meeting a number of items inspired by that spooky, scary, celebration! Here’s the first…

5) October 31st is in just two weeks and legend has it that Halloween, or All Hallows’ Eve, is the night on which the veil between our corporeal world and the spirits’ realm is at its thinnest, allowing a measure of intersection between the two. So we thought it prudent to offer a few important tips on how to live through these nocturnal hours. Here are our:

 

1) NEVER SPLIT UP! In any deadly encounter with an unspeakable, preternatural abomination, when you have the benefit of numbers, never split up! Slap upside the head the idiot in your party who proposes a plan of action that involves your faction dividing its forces! Never, ever follow such counsel! You’d just be making it easier for the beastly terror to pick you all off one by one! By sticking together, at least one, or maybe two of you have a chance of making it out alive!
This is on the grounds generika sildenafil 100mg that simply in the wake of realizing that, you would have the capacity to completely appreciate the impacts you took the pill for in any case. A primary care practitioner with the appropriate medicine which low cialis cost can make you completely free form erectile dysfunction. Key ingredients in Mast Mood oil include Sona Patha, Nirgundi, Jawadi Kasturi, Jaiphal, Javitri, Ashwagandha, Buleylu oil, Samudra Phal, Kapur, and cialis usa Dalchini. Not only is taking the medication enjoyable, but you can stay healthy mentally by keeping pfizer viagra australia try that stress free.
2) NEVER INVESTIGATE THE SOURCE OF UNUSUAL SOUNDS! If you hear a strangely unnatural or unanticipated loud noise, for Pete’s sake, do not volunteer to seek out its origin when your companions ask “What was that?” Under no circumstances should you go looking for what caused the noise in question! Appreciate that this is an audible clue, a hint, a sign, a portent of something terrible lurking just around the corner! However, if you do choose to throw caution to the wind and venture after the source of said noise, only to find that it appears to have just been the cat, you have mere moments to live! Run in the hope that you’ll prove sufficiently fleet of foot to evade a grisly demise, but fully expect to die!

3) DON’T LOOK IN THERE! Never open a closet door if you even in the least suspect that something other than someone’s wardrobe is hanging within!

By the same token, kids, what good does it do you to know what might be lurking under your bed, anyway? Why risk a gander? If a monster has established itself below your box spring, you’ll be up all night, too scared to sleep lest the creature come out from under there to get you while you slumber! And if there’s nothing under your bed but dust bunnies, you’ll be up all night worrying about when a monster might decide to take up residence! Either way, you won’t be getting any sleep, so that being the case, ipso facto, you don’t really need use of a bed, do you? Get up, go downstairs, and watch TV until it’s time for breakfast!

And ladies, take note, never draw the shower curtain unless you are absolutely sure that the only thing behind that flimsy barrier is a bath tray holding a washcloth, luffa, bar of soap, and a bottle of shampoo! This is indispensable guidance to keep in mind, particularly if you are staying overnight at a remote roadside motel run by a clerk with mommy issues!

4) ALWAYS RUN AWAY! Animals, including human beings, are possessed of a primal instinct, when faced with danger, to either take on the threat, head-on, or to flee. Behavioral scientists refer to this innate impulse as the “Fight or Flight” reflex. Particularly when dealing with entities evil, monstrous, or supernatural in nature, always choose “Flight!” I mean, do you really think you’ll be able to take down a malevolent demon summoned from Perdition’s flames with that baseball bat leaning up against the wall over there?

It’s very important to understand the physics of running away. When sprinting full-out for your life from a monster giving chase, understand that even though you are running at track-star speed and the monster is shambling along in plodding pursuit, it will invariably catch up with you! As a general rule, the monster’s rate of gain is inversely proportional to the speed at which you are running. The mathematical statement:

…describes the reciprocal relationship between “X”, defined as your speed, and “Y”, defined as the distance between you and the monster. As your speed (X) increases, the distance between you and the monster (Y) decreases! If we then define escape as “E”, thus does the following mathematical statement describe your chances of success in that regard:

To further hamper your efforts, you can expect to trip and fall once or twice, more if you are female! And, you can also anticipate entangling your clothing on something, or becoming pinned under a fallen tree trunk or some such, and so have to waste valuable seconds struggling to free yourself as the monster lumbers ever closer.

If you drove to the scene, incidentally, should you actually make it back to your car in one piece, relieved that you can now speed away to safety, expect that you’ll either fumble with and drop your keys, or that your automobile, inexplicably, won’t start, even though mechanically, the vehicle was working just fine earlier!

Your only real hope in such circumstances is that something comes into play which temporarily distracts the monster, causing it to break off its pursuit and allowing you an opportune moment to scram! Obviously, it is strongly recommended that you take full advantage of such a moment!

5) IF YOU THINK IT’S SAFE TO GO IN THE WATER, THINK AGAIN! It’s never safe to go in the water! Piranhas, barracudas, and sharks are the least of the dangers to be found beneath the waves! You just don’t know what’s down there! You have no idea what shocking, scaly aberration may be swimming around below the surface, waiting to sink jagged teeth into parts of your anatomy, or wrap slimy digits or tentacles around your leg and pull you under! So swim quickly back to the beach and get to high ground if you hear someone calling out a command to “Release the Kraken!” And never, for any reason whatsoever, wade or dive into rank, murky swamp, brackish lagoon, chilling lake, or open ocean waters! I mean, do you really want to risk gruesome injury or even death just so you can snorkel dive, waterski, or skinny-dip with your girlfriend or boyfriend? Choose a safer option! If neither of you have a backyard pool, just run around together under a lawn sprinkler!

And while we’re on the water, never come up alongside and board any drifting, derelict, ship you may come across while at sea. To satisfactorily fulfill your maritime duty to lend assistance, note the wreck’s position, radio it in to the Coast Guard, and let them deal with it! That’s their job, after all! And given that you are not employed by the Coast Guard, be certain to remain aboard your own vessel at all times! However, if you do decide to board the decaying hulk under some misguided notion that there might be a number of poor souls still aboard, incapacitated and in need of aid, you may well be correct! There might be a few, or perhaps many poor souls still aboard! But the thing is, they would surely be, at this point, just that: souls! Likely of the cursed variety! And if these ghosts have not yet moved on to the other side, you don’t want to stick around to find out why! Get off the ship posthaste!

666) SPURN THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST! At all costs, balk at anything bearing a sequence of three sixes—an address, hotel suite number, route number, flight number, part of a license plate or telephone number, even a price tag or lottery ticket displaying three consecutive sixes! And definitely steer clear of anyone sporting a “666” tattoo! Generally, abnegate anything and anyone connected in any way with that number! You’ll have a devil of a time unless you do! And that means this entry, by the way; why are you still reading this one? Stop! Right now! It may already be too late!

7) FACE FACTS! When you’ve reached the point of strapping your welt- and oozing blister-covered adolescent daughter to her bed as she hurls both vulgarities and vomit in your direction, you must face the fact that the situation is way beyond the involvement of her school’s guidance counselor, or even the need of medical intervention! Don’t bother dialing your local health clinic to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist; call the nearest diocese and ask to be connected to the exorcism department!

Similarly, if a cabal of Satanists shows up at your baby shower to fawn over your newborn son, you need to face the fact that Junior is the son of Satan and his “Terrible Two’s” are going to be “H”-“E” double hockey sticks!

8) GET OUT OF TOWN!

Should you take a wrong turn and in due course happen upon a small, dusty, deserted town in the middle of nowhere, consider that there is probably a good reason for said hamlet being deserted! Do not under any circumstances stop to see if there’s someone around who might be able to give you directions back to the main highway! Step on the gas and keep going, as fast as you can, easing up on the accelerator only when you are well outside of town limits.

Make certain, when planning your travel itinerary, to bypass towns like Amityville, Haddonfield, Twin Peaks, Wayward Pines, Sleepy Hollow, Burkittsville, Hawkins, Eerie, Cuesta Verde, Santa Mira, Sunnydale, Bodega Bay, Antonio Bay, Mystic Falls, Bon Temps, Midwich, Dunwich, Innsmouth, Arkham, of specific note for you ladies, Stepford, and finally, Night Vale.

As a general rule, steer clear of any off-the-beaten-track, rural enclave, particularly if located in Maine, or if, upon entering town, you can hear the distinct twang of banjo strings being plucked! Nothing good will come of stopping for gas or to get a bite to eat at the local diner! Skedaddle but quick!

9) DON’T GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IN THE WOODS! You and your friends should eschew equipping yourselves with GoPros for a hike into the Maryland countryside looking for witches! The footage you’d shoot is likely to be the only thing that would survive such an excursion! Instead, stay home and watch reruns of Bewitched!

On a related note, you youngsters should at no time hazard a bike ride out to the local graveyard or the old, abandoned house at the end of the street on some foolhardy double-dare! And don’t go looking to solve any longstanding, spooky neighbourhood mysteries, either! Whatever the rumours may be about what happened that night all those years ago is probably all a lot of hooey, anyway! Don’t be sticking your nose into business that doesn’t concern you! You’re not in a Scooby-Doo episode, for Heaven’s sake! Just play ball hockey on the driveway or something, and make sure you come in as soon as the street lights are turned on!

10) PRECLUDE HOLIDAY HORRORS! Everyone needs an interlude, from time to time, for rest and recreation, a little downtime, a break from the day-to-day, an opportunity to get away from it all and unwind! Organize your get-away, by all means, but be mindful that bizarre and frightening peril very often arises precisely while you are on vacation!

To avert potentially finding yourself in a deleterious predicament, exercise some basic cautions when planning your sabbatical as you do not wish to find yourself up the proverbial creek without a paddle! Live by the Boy Scout motto: Be Prepared! For example, when packing for your trip, always include a well-stocked first-aid kit. Make sure that your principal mode of transportation, whether airline, cruise line, rail or bus line, comes highly recommended and boasts an outstanding safety record. Should you intend to employ your own or a friend’s camper, have the vehicle thoroughly checked by a reliable mechanic before departure to insure that it’s in good working order, the aim, here, being to minimize the chances of your breaking down somewhere along the route on dangerous ground with no means of engineering a quick exit.

But perhaps most importantly, plan ahead so as not to wind up in uninviting territory to begin with! As a general rule, if travelling on the Continent, give Transylvania a wide berth! Detour around the slopes of cloud-enveloped Mount Trollenberg, too! If voyaging by sea, travel through the Bermuda Triangle is not prescribed under any circumstances! Never charter passage on either the Lady Ann or the Mary Celeste, and plot a course around such atolls as Skull Island and Isla Nublar! Stay out of Japan’s Aokigahara Forest, and on no occasion board the KTX to Busan! When considering hostelry, never book a cabin at Camp Crystal Lake or make reservations to bed-and-breakfast at Exham Priory! By no means ever check in to the Bates Motel or the Overlook Hotel, from either of which it is exceedingly improbable that you will ever check out!

11) DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE!

If your car breaks down or runs out of gas one night on a lonely road in a region with no cellphone service, do not hike up the road a ways to that old ramshackle house to ask if you can use their landline in order to call for a tow. Use your head, man! It’s a hoary, dilapidated building, a derelict dwelling probably uninhabited, and even if someone does live there, they almost certainly do not have a functioning phone! But if you choose to ignore this advice and find yourself standing on the porch wondering why nobody answered the front door when you knocked, take this gift of an opportunity to correct your error and sprint forthwith back to your vehicle! Should you opt, instead, to foolishly continue with your reckless course of action and, upon trying that rickety front door find that it isn’t locked, positively do not enter the house! If you insist on entering, be sure that you’re wearing your brown pants! But now would be a good time to turn and bolt back to your car, jump in, roll up the windows, and engage the door locks, after which you may wish to cower in the back seat under a blanket until sunrise!

12) DON’T GO DOWN INTO THE BASEMENT! Never search for your missing friend in a dark, dank basement, especially if you are alone and the power has gone out during a raging thunderstorm! But if you must, carry a working lantern or flashlight with fresh batteries installed, not a candle that can easily gutter and extinguish at the slightest exhalation of fetid breath wafting from the unholy maw of the tall, dark, and hideous thing that may inhabit that basement!

And while we’re discussing this topic, be careful on those invariably creaky staircases that lead down to basements, for you risk escape-impeding injury should one of the rotting wooden steps collapse under your weight and you plummet through, your fall broken only by the putrid, decaying carcass of something, or someone, under those stairs! Play it safe and stay out of basements altogether!

13) DON’T TOUCH THAT! Never handle any strange, pulsating goop that you’ve discovered in a secret laboratory, next to a meteorite crater, or around a ruptured barrel clearly marked as a container of toxic waste! The government has people for that sort of thing, so don’t let your curiosity get the better of you. Remember that age-old proverb involving the fate of curious cats, and note that you do not benefit from having nine lives!

14) NO MAGIC WORDS OF THE DARK VARIETY! Never open any dusty old tome on the cover of which is inscribed a pentagram, or specifically, the title “Necronomicon.” But if you do injudiciously crack the spine on said book, under no circumstances attempt to carry out any of the exercises outlined in any chapter, or read aloud any incantations therein, even as a joke! Basically, do not attempt to translate ancient writings that may result in the opening of a portal to Hell!

15) NEVER PLAY GAMES WITH THE FORCES OF EVIL! If your old Ouija Board or Magic 8-Ball begins to actually work, toss the game away quickly and vamoose! Don’t ask “just one more question,” for the answer will, in all likelihood, spell your doom!

16) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! If the police call to inform you that they’ve managed to trace those threatening crank phone calls you’ve been getting all evening, and that the calls are coming from within the very house in which you now stand, make immediately for the front door and flee screaming into the street! The kids asleep upstairs? You’re just the babysitter, not a hero! Look, it’s not like their parents agreed to danger pay or anything like that! You don’t get paid enough for this shit as it is.

Still on the theme of domiciles, if the walls of your new house suddenly start bleeding, recognize that you have a serious problem! This is not the unfortunate result of your having used discounted wallpaper paste that has now liquefied in this humidity, nor the fluke confluence of mismatched chemicals in your primer and semi-gloss that have reacted with each other and caused the paint to run! Occum’s Razor, people!—of any given set of explanations for an occurrence, the simplest is most likely the correct one. So this is obviously the result of evil demonic forces at play in your living room! Don’t just stand there wondering what brand of household cleaning fluid will get that stain out! Even if you were to call in a priest to bless it, your bottle of Mr. Clean cannot help you, here! Vacate the premises without delay!

Never take any bet that involves your spending the night in an antediluvian, cobweb-enshrouded Victorian-style manor! Also, if household appliances suddenly start switching on by themselves, it’s got nothing to do with the wiring. Don’t waste valuable minutes checking your fuse box, just get the eff out of the house!

And always remember that oft-cited axiom about the most important factor with regards to real estate: location, location, location! So keep that in mind when listening to the real estate agent’s sales pitch! Regardless of the owner having substantially dropped his asking price—a red flag if ever there was one!—do not sign a contract to purchase a house that you discover was once owned by Satanists, or was the site of a gruesome murder a few years ago, or was built atop an old Indian burial ground, or next to a river into which an unprincipled chemical products manufacturer upstream has surreptitiously dumped toxic waste for years, thereby inducing ghastly mutations in the local fauna! Politely thank the agent for his time and get out of Dodge!

17) SORRY, BUT NO SEX! This one is specific to you teenagers, and while it is a lot to ask, consider that your very lives are at stake! Fact is, sexually active teenagers, principally young girls of the babysitting, cheerleading, sorority, or summer camp-counselor persuasion, are like catnip to mute, monochromatically dressed strangers exhibiting a particularly lethal skill with any of the following items: axe, machete, carving knife, pneumatic hammer, power drill, welding torch, Sunbeam Mixmaster, and most especially, chainsaw! These guys usually have a record of savage butchery, have often recently escaped from an asylum for the criminally insane, display an elevated level of physical strength, and demonstrate an uncanny capacity for surviving such assaults on their person by desperate, struggling victims as repeated clubbing with a blunt instrument, being run over by a car, set aflame, or shot multiple times! Such fellows are not fun dates!

Exercise the same caution around any small-town Billy-Bob who seems a little slow and whose family, according to the locals, “live just outside of town, mostly keep to themselves, and don’t bother nobody!”

18) WHEN YOU THINK IT’S OVER, IT ISN’T! Miraculously, you’ve somehow managed to survive your confrontation with the nightmarishly savage blade-wielding fiend that has been stalking you and your friends all night, and have just heroically struck the brute a killing blow, leaving him prone and motionless on the ground at your feet! “Is he dead?” your sobbing, pretty, female co-survivor and potential new girlfriend will surely ask. You must resist the understandable urge, in your newfound role as her brave protector, to turn your attention away from the beastly hellion towards the girl and respond in the affirmative, for the brute is almost certainly not at all dead! It is unfailingly at this very moment of inattention to your foe that he will suddenly spring up, grab you firmly by the throat, lifting you right up off the ground, and fatally run you through with his weapon! So what have we learned, here?—never get close enough to see if the murderous psycho is still breathing, because if you do, you won’t be for much longer!

To avoid this scenario playing out as above described, you must remember, immediately after having struck your blow, to quickly back well away and in one fluid motion, turn and race off like a scared rabbit, thus giving yourself a valuable head start over your female companion! She probably wasn’t going to go out with you, anyway!

19) MOVE AWAY! Should a tall, dark-haired man accompanied by a petite, stunningly attractive woman with shoulder-length auburn locks knock on your door flashing FBI badges wishing to question you about unusual goings-on in your neighbourhood, move to another neighbourhood!

 

6) A Second Parody Song

This little gem we also found on YouTube, courtesy the Nickerson family in Los Angeles (Instagram: @rabbijoel; Instagram: @juldosik):