THE BASIC RULES OF SURVIVAL
1. Should you come across a small, deserted town off the beaten track, there’s probably a good reason for it’s being deserted. Do not stop to look around.
2. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, absolutely do not walk to that old house just across the road to phone for help. But if you foolishly do, and no one answers the door when you knock, take this second opportunity to get the hell back to your car. If you then try the door and find that it isn’t locked, do not enter. Once again, get the bell out of there. If you do choose to enter, you’re on your own, pal.
3. Never open your closet door if you even remotely suspect that something other than your wardrobe is behind it. Equally, never draw your shower curtain unless you are certain that the only things behind it are your soap and shampoo bottle.
4. Never search a basement, especially if the power has gone out. If you do, carry a flashlight, not a candle.
5. If you discover that your house is built over an old cemetery, now is a good time to move in with the in-laws. Put the place up for sale if you discover that the previous owners practiced satanism, died in some horrible way, or went mad and committed suicide.
6. If the walls of your new house starting bleeding, don’t stand there wondering how you’re going to get the stain out. Mr. Clean can’t help you here, buddy; vacate the premises immediately.
7. If household appliances suddenly start switching on by themselves, it’s got nothing to do with the wiring. Don’t waste valuable minutes checking your fuse box, get out of the house.
8. If you hear a loud noise, don’t go looking for what caused it, just get outta Dodge… fast. If you do go looking for the source of the noise and find that it was only the cat, you have mere moments to live. Run like hell, but fully expect to die.
9. Never open some dusty old tome of a book on the cover of which is inscribed a pentagram. If you do, under no circumstances read aloud any incantations designed to summon a demon, even as a joke.
10. If your old Ouija board starts to actually work head for the hills. Don’t ask it “just one more question,” for the answer will in all likelihood spell your doom. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
11. Don’t go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
12. Don’t take any bet that involves spending a night in a creepy old house.
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13. Shoot to kill any friend or family member who begins speaking Latin or any other language that you know they can’t speak, or who begins speaking in someone else’s voice. This also applies to anyone who exhibits uncharacteristic behaviour, such as drinking blood, howling at the moon and sprouting a lot of facial hair, or walking around with arms extended forward and devouring human flesh. Pack extra heat if their eyes glow.
14. When you have the benefit of numbers, never split up. You’re just making it easier for the monster to take you all out.
15. When running for your life from a monster, accept that even though you are sprinting full-out and the monster is just shambling along, it will nevertheless gain on you. Expect to trip and fall at least twice, more if you are female. And expect to entangle your clothing on something, or become pinned under a heavy object, and so have to waste valuable seconds struggling to free yourself as the monster shambles ever nearer. So try to begin fleeing a few minutes early; you’ll need that extra time.
16. When it appears that you have managed to kill the monster that has been pursuing you and your friends, never check to make sure it’s really dead. It isn’t, but you will be if you get too close.
17. Never handle any strange, pulsating goop that you’ve discovered. next to a meteorite crater. The government has people who do that sort of thing, so don’t let your curiosity get the better of you. Remember what they say about cats and curiosity.
18. Sexually active teenagers, especially you girls, should stay away from silent, monochomatically dressed strangers exhibiting a particular skill with any of the following items: chainsaw, axe, carving knife, scissors, staple gun or pneumatic hammer, hedge trimmer or weed wacker, welding torch, soldering iron, router, power drill, band saw, blender or mix master, knitting needles. Exercise the same caution around any small-town Billy-Bob who seems a little slow and whose family, according to the locals, “live just outside of town, keep to themselves and don’t bother nobody.”
19. Vacation destinations should not include Transylvannia, any rural town in Maine, or the towns of Santa Mira or Amityville. Having to travel though the Bermuda Triangle to get to a holiday spot should automatically see that destination crossed off your list.
20. Never get aboard a plane designated flight 666. Generally, avoid anything to which that number is connected in any way.
21. Should a tall dark-haired man and a short, red-haired woman knock on your door and identify themselves as FBI agents investigating something in your neighbourhood, move to a new neighbourhood.
I found these survival rules in my hoard of MonSFFA stuff. Unfortunately, I don’t remember who wrote them, it was so very long ago. It might have been Brian Ekkers.
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